


Just a Little Courage

by Pebblesinthelake



Category: Marvel (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Low Self-Esteem, M/M, Mandatory Fun Day, Marriage Proposal, Reassurances
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-04
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2020-07-31 11:54:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20114689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pebblesinthelake/pseuds/Pebblesinthelake
Summary: As Bucky prepares to propose to Clint, he struggles with some inner demons.





	Just a Little Courage

Bucky scrutinized his reflection and reached to fidget with his tie for the fifth or sixth time in as many minutes. Taking a deep breath, he stared without really seeing and mentally repeated the words that were so hard for him to believe.

_ You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be happy. _

_ _ No matter how many times he thought the simple statement, his stomach would not settle down. Logically, Bucky knew that after more than half a century with Hydra it would take more time and effort to develop his self-worth. But he just wanted to feel normal; to be happy and not constantly worried that it would all disappear because everyone believed the negative voice in his head.

Bucky heaved a deep sigh as he turned from the mirror. He knew he looked the best he could; better than he usually did for date night. He knew the place they always went was pretty upscale but he usually just went with slacks and a button-up. Their monthly date night was something he always looked forward to; a nice dinner and a walk in the park on the way back to their apartment.

But tonight was even more special. As thought about it again his nerves came back with a vengeance. He wandered into the kitchen, grabbed a glass and filled it with some whiskey.

_ Just a little courage. _

Taking a sip, he walked back to the mirror to once again check his appearance. 

He sat heavily on the lid of the toilet and stared down at the amber liquid swirling in his glass. He reached into the inside pocket of his suit jacket to pull out the small silver ring. Staring at the little circle, it was hard to believe that this was the cause of all his turmoil tonight. 

He downed the rest of the drink and felt it burn down his throat before settling warm in his stomach.  _ Just a little courage. _ After placing the empty glass on the counter, Bucky sat another minute just breathing deeply. His therapist had told him to focus on the good things. Clint’s face immediately flashed through his mind. Clint was the best thing right now, his smile and sarcasm, even just the sound of his voice was enough to bring Bucky out of a bad mood.

After two years of knowing the man and a little over a year of dating, Bucky knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with that beautiful, amazing disaster. A man that was a gift to his life, a gift he didn’t always feel he deserves. After all the terrible he has done in this world should he really be allowed the blessing of an amazing man for the rest of his life?

Just then the star of his thoughts stumbled into their apartment all decked out in a deep purple three piece suit. Bucky looked over at the sudden noise and heard Clint muttering an expletive with a harried look on his face. As Clint twisted around in an attempt to find the reason for his difficulty moving further into the room (the pocket of his jacket was caught on the knob), his elbow slammed into the hard edge of the door. Bucky felt a swell of love causing him to smile to himself.

“I’m so sorry I’m late, Nat wouldn’t let me leave her place until my outfit was ‘perfect’. Even though I told her it would probably just get messed up on my way back here.”

Quickly tucking the ring back into his pocket, Bucky walked out to meet the other man. He pecked Clint’s lips and easily unhooked him from the door. Bucky pulled them further into the apartment, letting his eyes scan over the archer. 

“Natasha did a great job, I bet this is going to be our best date night yet. I just finished getting ready, let’s go.”

They made their way to the small, intimate, and fancy restaurant where they had standing reservations once a month. It was a nice place that wasn’t too far from their apartment and they could count on the discretion of the wait staff so they weren’t mobbed every time they wanted to have a nice night.

Bucky had insisted they begin the monthly outing about a year ago. He wanted to make sure Clint felt loved and appreciated. Plus the routine of it all reminded Bucky of normal times. They could pretend that they weren’t superheroes for a night, that they didn’t have crazy people always trying to kill them. They could take a few hours and just be normal.

He knew Clint wasn’t a huge fan of the dressing up part. Most date nights he would just throw on a decent pair of jeans and a clean shirt. Bucky didn’t care, he just loved spending time with the other man. That didn’t change the fact that he looked amazing in the suit Natasha had forced him into, and Bucky would never stop appreciating that sight.

Unfortunately, it appeared that the waiter was new. When he first walked up to the table he recognized Clint and stood for a few seconds gaping at the two men. After he finally recovered himself and took their drink order, his eyes landed on Bucky’s gleaming metal hand. He visibly gulped as the color drained from his face.

_ See he knows you’re a monster. _

_ _ Bucky pushed the negative voice away and focused on Clint. The other man was beaming at him and animatedly recounting his day with Natasha. This amazing man loved him and he deserved to be happy.

The rest of dinner passed without incident. As dessert inches closer Bucky’s nervous energy grows. He planned to pop the questions once they had finished their customary creme brûlée. However, with his growing nerves Bucky didn’t notice how tightly he was gripping his wine glass. The, thankfully empty, glass shattered under the pressure of his metal hand. Clint jumped slightly and a couple members of the waitstaff rushed over. As he apologized profusely, he noticed that they all looked terrified and none of them would meet his eyes.

_ They all see it, they all know the monster you really are. No matter how much you deny it, you can not hide from your true nature. _

_ _ Bucky sank in his seat while they waited for the check to be brought out. Once he had signed the receipt he wasted no time getting up and exiting the restaurant with Clint following.

As they stroll into the park Bucky starts fidgeting, he hasn’t said anything since they left their table at the restaurant. While on the outside he may appear vaguely stoic, he is warring with himself on the inside. 

_ You deserve to be happy. _

_ _ _ Do you? You have destroyed and ended so many lives. Why should yours be good? _

_ _ _ You deserve to be happy. The things you did were not your fault. _

_ _ _ But does Clint deserve it? Does he deserve to be stuck with a monster like you forever? _

_ _ _ You are not a monster. The men who controlled you were monsters. You are not that same person anymore. You deserve to be happy! _

Before the negative side of Bucky’s mind could reply Clint bumped his shoulder. When Bucky looked up he saw in Clint’s expression that he had missed something. Clint was obviously waiting for a response to the last thing he said.

“Sorry, doll, what?”

“I said, you’re being really quiet tonight and you seem upset. What’s on your mind?” Clint repeated as his eyes softened.

“No, nothin’s wrong!” Bucky hesitated, “But… I mean, I have been thinking about somethin’ quite a bit. It’s just…”

“What is it Buck? C’mon you know you can tell me anything.” Clint encouraged as he pulled them over to a bench. 

_ That’s not true! Once he realizes what a monster you are he’ll leave!  _ Bucky shook his head to chase away the voice. “It’s just… why are you with me?”

“What are you talking about? I love you! You have the best sense of humor. You are constantly doing everything you can to make everyone else’s life easier. You learned sign language when you first came to the tower even though you had plenty of other things to get used to ‘cause you noticed I forget my aids way to much. You’re kind and caring but also a huge troll that I can always goof around with.”

Bucky felt the blush start on his ears and spread down his neck. He spluttered a little, “Bu- but I am responsible for so many awful things, I’m a killer.”

Clint gathered Bucky’s hands and pulled him a little closer. “You are not! You have had some terrible things happen to you, but you are a good man. I love you, I consider myself lucky that I get to be with and I would happily spend the rest of my life with you.”

Bucky yanked his head up to stare wide-eyed at Clint. “Wh- wh- what did you say?”

Clint froze. He felt his stomach drop, staring into Bucky’s eye it felt as though time stopped. After a long time, that was probably only a second or two, Clint started to pull his hands away, muttering, “I’m sorry, I don’t want to push you into anything.”

“No no no!” Bucky nearly shouted as he grabbed for Clint’s hands again. “It’s just-“  _ Just a little courage. _ Bucky fished around in his pocket and pulled out the ring and held it out to the other man wordlessly.

Clint looked at the ring while a huge grin took over his face. He surged forward and kissed Bucky in answer. 

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Mandatory Fun Day, Bucky in a suit with a drink. This is my first time writing fan fiction, please let me know what you think!


End file.
